And just like that, we went up in smoke.

Though maybe, it was my fault after all…

Yeah.

It’s one of those moments. Yet again.

Where I believed there was a form of hope that you and I could probably start venturing into a journey heading towards that one particular destination that could have been waiting for us with a locked door.

And all we had to do was to unlock the door, step inside, and make ourselves comfortable with the presence of one another.

Right?

Do you still remember when we first met?

Because I certainly still do. Well, vaguely.

But I do remember being intrigued by how you presented yourself through some of the photos that you had used to attract, well…not just myself of course, but whoever was attracted enough to make each of our presence known.

I remember the sight of your slight baby curls on top of your head.

Then, the sight of your frontal smile that also showed your face. Which to my eyes, was captivating enough.

Actually, scratch that. It was more than enough.

I genuinely did think that you have a pretty good-looking face.

After that, another sight of you sitting on a beach, white sands around you, and you had your shirt off, showing a slight view your lanky posterior.

Not necessarily showing a frontal look overall, but let’s just say that my mind worked well enough to visualize how the rest of your upper body would really look like, and again it was more than enough.

Anyway, I’m not going to dwell much further on how my eyes perceived your physical being.

Let’s now talk about our virtual interactions.

I can’t really recall of how we met on that digital hive.

I think you had found me first, to which then, by some form of fate (or pure design), I found you too.

I also can’t really recall of who made the first “Hello…”.

I think I did.

But I can more certainly recall how I asked about the name that you used, Where I thought was a pretty peculiar chosen name.

You then told me how it would be rather…difficult for you to further explain it to me. We both agreed to move on.

It was then your turn to ask about my chosen name, and I think I explained it you with as much vigor that I could muster.

To my surprise however (and if my memory does serves me well), my chosen name sparked a slight discussion. If not a slight debate.

But more on that, I was also surprised that you had the knowledge of where my chosen name came from. ‘Well well…’, I said to myself, ‘this fellow speaks my language!’. Such a delightful starting point.

From there, we hopped on to the next point that touched on our respective backgrounds. As per usual.

And holy smokes, turns out that we both have a similar educational background. Another delightful surprise! It could definitely become advantageous if we ever to proceed forward in the long run. Or so I have begun to believe.

However, what had left the more lingering impression of you is how you would become tighter lipped when it comes to describing your family.

You told me that you’re currently living with your old man. And from the tone of your text, that was all I needed to know. I wanted to dig in deeper, but I told myself to cool it for that time being.

I then began to ask about your photo sitting on the sand, and you told me that it was taken from your recent holiday. Or was that during one of your work trips?

I then started telling you of how much I have been wanting to explore the rest of Indonesia, considering of my upbringing that I have told you about. I also told you about the particular way I would want to do my wishful explorations as how it’s been inspired by a YouTube channel.

But, do you know what I remembered the most out of this exchange?

You said to me, “Let’s head east. Together.”

Oh boy.

Well, ‘Sure…’, I said.

And in the back of my head, even up until today, that idea still lingers.

I can’t recall the rest of our exchange at this point, and even if I could, I’m not going to actually divulge the entirety of it.

As a whole, we didn’t actually talk on the daily basis.

I have my life, my routines, and everything in between. You have yours too, surely.

But I can remember the time where I didn’t respond to you by purpose.

And in a way, it worked in my favor.

You initiated a new “Hello”. Or in your case, you said, “Dorr”.

I smiled. And most probably, I smiled to the idea that you were perhaps still trying to keep me within your reach after all.

This time around, the direction took us straight the moment where you asked me if I would like to have a phone call.

And without thinking twice, I wrote you my number. I then left to the bathroom to shower.

When I picked up my phone again, it turns out that you were meant to call me on the hive. I genuinely forgot that we could actually have a verbal interaction in there.

Nevertheless, you then reached me privately. And soon enough, my phone rang.

I started our conversation by asking about your day. Per usual. And you did the same.

It then evolved gradually into a pretty lengthy conversation. And again, I will not bother divulging the entirety of it.

What I can highlight from this phone call though, was the sound of the breeze coming from behind you, as you sat down finishing your cigarette.

You also spoke in a manner that showed me of how chill and perhaps nonchalant type that you are. The type that I happen to like.

We also repeated some of our earlier written exchanges. But that was fine by me, really. At least, I had a better picture of your part of the exchange.

A new exchange that was revealed is that you like to write your own poems. Obviously, I asked you to read a couple of your crafts to me.

Another highlight from this phone call, is how we were able to keep up our banters towards midnight, which I revealed to be quite an accomplishment as far as first phone calls are concerned.

To which then you said to me, this perhaps shows about how much we enjoyed our verbal exchanges already.

Too soon?

I didn’t think so.

If anything, I felt right at home.

But then you reminded me, “There will always be another phone call. If you’d like to.”

Surely, I do.

However, I insisted that you stay with me for a while longer, so I came up with the story of this particular dream that I had.

I said to you, that I once had a strange dream about being together with a fuzzy figure of a person, and by some coincidence, that fuzzy figure looked and felt like a manifestation of you.

I asked, “What do you think it means?”

You answered, “Well, maybe that’s why I’m here talking to you”. Or something like that.

From that moment on, our conversation went even deeper than what might have been intended.

Your voice became more brooding. Your breaths became heavier.

And at some point, like a switch that’s being flicked, you said to me:

“I think you have just turned me on…”

However, that was also the point where things began to crumble.

After you revealed the imaginations that began to play in your mind, to which I obviously played along for a while, I then heard you snicker, “Um…I think it’s pretty late by now. I really have to go to bed.”

I said OK. And you quickly turned off.

So quick that it somehow felt like you actually drawn out the sharpest samurai sword to call off our conversation.

But again, it was getting close to two in the morning. Off to bed I go too, then.

Fast forward a few days later though, my gut sensed something was off.

You were nowhere to be heard.

And I guess this is where my instincts kicked in, but maybe in the wrong direction.

Hence, I sent you a text, “Are we still talking?”.

And you replied, but in a more casual manner that somehow bugged me, “Sorry I was away with my friends for the weekend. How was your weekend?”.

What I mean by you replying in a more casual manner is how you replied by addressing yourself with “gua” instead of “aku”, because I remember we both already used “aku” and “kamu” just a few days prior during our phone call.

A small thing for you perhaps, but a stark difference to my perception.

And all I replied to you was with, “OK”.

And to me, that was the end of our whole interaction.

Or was it really though?

Looking back now, could I have been too upfront and vulnerable for your liking instead?

And maybe, you were indeed not ready for an overall interaction that you deem too intimate? Because I recall that you did mention this one particular fact about you during our phone call.

Hence, as I’m writing this, I do feel like I’m also at fault.

Maybe I was already being too open and vulnerable.

Maybe the decision to wear my heart on my sleeve rather explicitly from the beginning wasn’t the right thing to do after all.

And maybe, our beginning(s) didn’t have to go up in smoke like how I feel it has. Because in the end, I did realise where I have gone wrong.

Being me however, I chose to deny said realisation and instead, keeping the notion that you weren’t co-operating towards my desire.

And instead of maybe rectifying the last bit of interaction that could have been still available for me to rectify, I went ahead saying, “Yep. This whole thing between us is definitely over and done with”.

Like I said, I trust and rely upon my gut instincts too much. Even for my liking. Because sometimes afterwards, I then read from somewhere, that even your gut feelings can actually be wrong.

So, to the certain individual who is the other main character of this story, with the best of my intents, I would like to apologize for how things have ended up between us.

And if ever you should stumble upon this story, reading it through, and decide to “Alright, let me just stay even further away from you…”, I’d understand.

I mean, look: if this isn’t me becoming like a counterfeit Taylor Swift by turning our past encounter into a publicised story that can be read by other people…

I probably shouldn’t have. At all.

In my defense however, I wrote this out of a pent-up frustration, and it needed a release.

Because I was indeed frustrated.

But really, it’s mostly a frustration towards myself after realising that…it could have been me all along.

Right. Now that I’ve expressed how I’ve been feeling, what’s next?

Well…if the thought of you should remain a glimpse and a memory, then I suppose I’ll just keep on dreaming about what could have been. Through these wisps of dreary smoke.

And who knows, I will finally learn on how to place things (read: my hopes and expectations) better for my next encounter.